Customs and Culture

When we moved to Mexico, the issue that troubled us most was accidentally making some cultural blunder. We were afraid we would do something to offend everyone we met. You can only read so much material on culture. What if you do something your research material did not cover? You don't want to offend the people you hope will let you live among them.

I think we are over this worry after living here for a while. We managed to learn some cultural guidelines that can steer a fledgling expatriate in the right direction. You will find some exceptions to these generalizations. Some of the younger-generation Mexicans ignore some of these old-time cultural principles while the traditionalists do not. My wife and I prefer the traditionalists' position on customs and culture.

You will notice that Mexicans are a kissing bunch of people. You will see this most often when they greet each other and when saying goodbye. At first, we were unsure how to handle this custom. Just who kisses and who does not? What is the rule if one exists?

When meeting a man or woman for the first time, you shake hands. Just as it used to be in the United States, you shake hands with a woman if she offers her hand to you first. Otherwise, you bow slightly and say, "Pleased to meet you".

The greeting kiss comes when good friends greet each other or say goodbye. Women will kiss women, men and women will kiss, but men rarely kiss other men. People kiss each other on the cheek or press their cheeks together and kiss the air. What defines good friends is open for debate.

I have been in circumstances where women have kissed me on the first introduction. I have shaken hands on the first introduction then we kiss on every other meeting. So, does that mean I became a good friend sometime between the first and second meetings? I don't know. As a male, I never initiate the kiss unless the woman is an old friend.

Men, thankfully, do not kiss each another. Good friends hug each other. Acquaintances shake hands. Let your Mexican friend or acquaintance initiate the contact.

Do not use first names with Mexicans until you are asked to do so. When we began renting our present home, we used the formal "usted" with our landlady and called her "Señora (her last name)" when addressing her. After a month or so, she insisted that we call her by her first name and that we use the informal "tu" when addressing her. Wait for others to give you permission to call them by their first names and use the "tu" form to address them.

There are people with whom you will probably never be on a first name basis and with whom you will always use the formal "usted". Our landlady's son, a dentist, is always referred to as "Doctor". He lives right next door to us, is our age or a bit younger, and uses the "tu" form when addressing each of us. However, he has not given us permission to use the "tu" form with him. Therefore, we call him "Doctor" and use the "usted" form.

Interestingly, our landlady's daughters-in-law always call her "Doña (her first name)" and use the formal "usted" with her.

If a person has a bachelor's degree from a university, you address him or her as "Licenciado" or "Licenciada" and then the last name. However, if a person is a doctor, lawyer, architect, teacher, or professor, you address him or her by title (Doctor, Abogado, Arquitecto, Maestro, or Professor) and last name. In the Mexican social hierarchy, these people have high rank and you are to afford them with much respect. In addition, plumbers, carpenters, electricians, and those in other professions requiring much training and skill are addressed as "Maestro" followed by the last name.

When someone invites you to a party or other event, shake the hand of each person (or kiss those who are good friends). Do this as well when you leave. If you neglect to do this, you will offend those whom you do not personally greet.

After getting past the greeting stage of an encounter, you want to be careful not to commit conversational boo-boos. Do not use the word "Indio" (Indian). It is derogatory. Do not ask a person what percentage of Indian blood he has. Mexicans are proud of their country's Indian heritage, but they consider the indigenous people beneath them and only claim pure Spanish blood.

Do not criticize the Mexican government. In fact, Mexicans consider it rude if you criticize your own government. They will not hesitate to criticize their government, but will take offense if you do it. Do not discuss the illegal alien issue in the United States.

If you see a Mexican male holding the arm of another male while the two are conversing, don't take offense. A man may touch another man on the arm or shoulder as an expression of close friendship. Don't recoil from the contact. To do so would be offensive. Shed your silly American connotations of male-to-male touching and realize that men can express affection for each other without any sexual overtones.

Women also touch each other often when talking or walking together. We have seen many women and girls walking arm-in-arm, walking with their arms around each other's shoulders, and even walking hand-in-hand. There is nothing sexual in these gestures. They are merely expressions of friendship.

When Mexicans meet on the street and stop to have a conversation, you will notice that they stand close to each other. Americans are protective of their personal space and want to put some distance between themselves and others. If you meet a Mexican friend or acquaintance on the street and stop for a conversation, don't back away when the other person stands closer than you like. To back away would give the impression that you don't want to be close to your friend and would be offensive.

If you ask a Mexican, "How's it going?" and it has not been going well, he will not answer, "Fine, thanks." as we Americans are programmed to do. Instead, he will tell you that events in his life are not fine and will give you the details. Mexicans in general don't hide their feelings as Americans do. Mexicans regard Americans who hide their feelings as uncaring. Perhaps if Americans would assimilate this custom, they could decrease their Prozac and psychiatrist bills.

For the first few weeks in our new neighborhood, we would hear a hissing noise every time we walked down a certain section of the street. We would stop, look around, but see nothing. Finally, we noticed the door of one house was standing open. It was dark inside so we couldn't see anything. Suddenly, an older woman popped out, hissing and gesturing for us to come over. She had seen us walking by several times and wanted to meet us. This hissing noise is a common way to get someone's attention and is not rude.

Another public behavior that is normal here would cause a fistfight (or worse.) if tried in the United States. Whenever you stand in line for anything, don't be surprised if people push past you to be waited on first. Some will even interrupt you when you are giving your order to the shopkeeper. In the beginning, we thought that people were doing this because we were gringos.

After a while, we began noticing that Mexicans practice this behavior toward other Mexicans. Finally, we asked our favorite shopkeeper why some people pushed in front of us in line and even interrupted our transactions. She said that it was because these people are rude and poorly educated in manners and not because we are gringos.

You will see this behavior often at the bus stops. There you are, waiting for your bus with nary a person in sight. Your bus appears down the street, so you move forward to the curb to await its arrival. Suddenly, a horde of people appears from nowhere. They push in front of you and even knock you aside to get on the bus first. You need to prepare for this behavior or the crowd will push you aside and you will miss your bus.

Apparently, standing in line is not a "Mexican" thing for many people. Traditionally, shopkeepers waited on those of high social rank or those who were older than anyone else in the store first. Some people hold to this tradition and some believe that "first come, first served" applies. We defer to the elderly, allowing someone with only one or two items to go ahead of us in the supermarket line, and allow women carrying babies to enter the bus in front of us. However, we have learned to push politely to the counter or to the bus door just as the Mexicans do.

When you are at the store or in a restaurant and you are ready to pay, be sure to place the money in the hand of the person you are paying. Do not place the money on the counter or on the table—you will give the impression that you are trying to avoid contact with the person. He will take offense and think you consider yourself to be better than he is. This may seem like a small detail, but it could help correct the Mexican conception that Americans are cold and standoffish.

There are actions that you should not do with your hands when you are in public. My favorite one is that men should not walk around with their hands in their pockets. It doesn't take much imagination to figure this one out.

Another custom is to keep both hands above the table while eating. You will have to overcome the American custom of keeping one hand in your lap while eating with the other. I'm not sure if many Mexicans know why this tradition began (if everyone could see both hands of everyone else at the table, no one could pull out a gun and shoot), but most follow it. Also, never put your elbows on the table while eating—it is rude in Mexico as well as in the United States.

Do not use the "come here" gesture Americans use—closed hand extended with the index finger curling back and forth toward your body. Do not use the "OK" gesture—making a circle with the thumb and index finger. These are both obscene gestures in Mexico.

There are few, if any, public restrooms. You may find one in a department store or a market, but you will have to pay two or three pesos to use it. For your money, you will receive a small piece of toilet paper—usually inadequate for the job. We always carry some tissue or toilet paper with us. Be prepared—many of the toilets do not have seats. Also, you may want to carry some hand disinfectant (the kind you rub on which doesn't require water) as sometimes the sinks don't work. Most restrooms are spotlessly clean, but you may find some that look as though they have never been cleaned.

If you want to photograph someone in public, always ask permission first. Offer to pay a nominal fee. Alternatively, if you have a camera that prints an instant picture, offer to give them a print. Some indigenous people do not like you to photograph them. Some feel this is exploitation; some think the photography process will steal their souls.

Trying to figure out what to wear in Mexico can be tricky. Of course, you have to take the weather into consideration—you don't need to bring your winter coat to Puerto Vallarta, for instance. You also have to keep in mind how conservative the city is.

In resort cities, it is common to see people wearing shorts in public. In other cities, wearing shorts in public is rude. Look at what Mexicans around your age are wearing and follow suit.

Mexicans dress more conservatively than many Americans do. You see more men wearing long pants than shorts in public. Most women wear dresses or skirts, but slacks and jeans are becoming more common. However, we see more men and women wearing shorts now than we did two years ago. However, do not wear shorts to fine restaurants, to church (even when you are just sightseeing), to the theater, or to someone's home.

Mexicans will dress up even to go shopping or to sit in the park. They are clean, their clothes neatly pressed, and their hair nicely arranged. Mexicans take offense at people who appear in public dressed shabbily or who are dirty.

If you experience the rare honor of an invitation to someone's home, dress casually but neatly. Men should wear a nice shirt and slacks; women should wear a dress, a skirt and blouse, or a pantsuit. If you are in doubt about the required attire, ask your host or hostess. We have been to parties where nearly everyone dressed in jeans and attractive shirts and blouses. We have also been to parties where everyone is more formally dressed.

Traditional Mexican meals and the times they are eaten take some getting used to. Breakfast can be any time between 6 and 11:30 a.m. and will usually be something light—juice or fruit, coffee, cereal or a pastry. Lunch, the day's largest meal, will be between 1:30 and 4:00 p.m. It usually consists of several courses beginning with soup. A rice or pasta dish or a salad may be a separate course or may accompany the main course. A pork chop, a piece of chicken or some enchiladas, vegetables, beans, tortillas or rolls make up the main course. A dessert (postre) rounds off the meal. Dinner will be around 8 p.m. and is something light. A small portion of the main dish from lunch, a couple of enchiladas or tacos, or a pastry is typical.

If you are having a meal at someone's home, there may be drinks and appetizers before the meal. When everyone has a drink, it is customary for all to raise their glasses and toast one another by saying, "Salud" (to your health). Once everyone sits at the table for the meal, it is customary to wish one another "Buen Provecho" (good appetite.)

The hostess will expect you to try everything served. She will offer you seconds, thirds, and even fourths if you clean your plate. If you don't like a particular dish or if something is too spicy for your taste, don't say anything; just leave most of it on your plate. Otherwise, the hostess will give you another serving. Do accept seconds on the dishes you like and be sure to compliment the hostess.

Sometimes, someone arranges the food on the plates in the kitchen. Sometimes, the hostess places bowls and platters of everything on the table to be passed family style. If the food is buffet style, wait to be asked before serving yourself. The hostess will encourage you to have seconds and will worry about you if you don't eat enough to meet her expectations.

Remember Mexicans invite only close friends and family to their homes. Remembering that, let humility, and politeness govern your actions. Always compliment the host and hostess on their home and compliment the hostess on the food and her cooking (even if she has a maid or cook who prepared the meal).

When to leave after the meal or party can be a little tricky. Take your cue from other guests. The host will not ask you to leave even if he is tired and wants you to go home. To do so would cause him to "lose face". Watch for signs that your hosts are tiring and take your leave, even if they insist that you stay longer. Be gracious and do not overstay your welcome.